wild hope.

As the rain poured down and I danced and I danced, He whispered to me 'Just let go.'
I knelt in my back garden, wet through, yet so very alive.

Subconciously over the year, I had led myself to believe that following Jesus was all about persecution, flogging, people hating, being misunderstood, and giving God the things that you really love in order for him to notice you and see you as worthy. So as I gave my clothes to charity shops, gave people far more time than I had, got up tired again and again to go and run myself ragged doing something for Jesus, I felt like I was achieving gold, that this was what Jesus wanted for me, that he desired works and sacrifice. As joy slipped away I began to feel that maybe all God wanted was workers, rather than friends.

And in the moments that I began to feel joy creeping in, I would shut it down. Being happy and enjoying life was for those who had time. I didn't.

In all honesty, I think that too often I had been giving God things, as if punishing myself, as if trying to be made worthy of his love, trying to earn this great privilege it was to follow Him. Here I was trying to push these things at Him saying 'please take them' and He had been there with his hands up in the air trying to show me that He wanted me to enjoy what He had given me. That He delights in me, as I delight in the things of this world that make me happy, that feed my heart. I had been giving out of a place of my own low self worth. I had been trying to earn a place in the kingdom, trying to push the things that I enjoyed onto Jesus.

Because He couldn't possibly want me to enjoy myself right?

Because the more terrible I felt, the less I had, the more holes I had in my clothes and downtrodden I was, the closer I was to Jesus, right?

Isn't this exactly what Jesus said we shouldn't do when speaking to the Pharisees?

'I desire mercy not sacrifice'
those words that hit the heart. 
MERCY, not sacrifice. 

He cares far more about our hearts, about us, about how we treat people, than what we can give him. The striving, the giving, the self denial means nothing. If I lived my life on earth, delighting in him, traveling and being engulfed in His beauty, I would still get to heaven and he would say 'good job' give me a fist pump and discuss with me the things that I loved about him and He loved about me.

Too many Christians are so sad. So devoid of joy. I speak to people and there is no life in their eyes, there is no joy in their hearts. If we are following this incredible man called Jesus, if we know Him, know His heart,then surely we would know that he is calling us to a life of indescribable joy - of delighting in the small things. He delights in us, whilst we delight in the desires of our heart. 

My Jesus threw parties. He hung out with tax collectors and prostitutes who wouldn't have been the dullest of bunch. He turned water into wine, he made humans -a colourful bunch. He designed us to love things, he designed our hearts to get joy from the small and simple. He loves it when we laugh, he loves it when we hangout with friends that 'get us' and he loves it when we are happy. He was a man that was excitable, playful, mischevious and full of joy. He is so far from dull.

Those things that make your heart skip, those things that fill your soul with indescribable bubbling over joy, those things that make you stop and wonder, those seemingly unproductive, frivolous activities that others see as silly. That is the place where God sows his seed of joy and as we do things that we love, as we enjoy ourselves, it is watered and grows.

He has been teaching me joy. Quiet joy. Bubbling over joy that makes me throw my head back and laugh heartily. The joy that makes me go out and dance in the rain. The joy that makes me dance in the kitchen.

Drink deep of His joy and let all else flow from that.

There is something in me that thinks we just all need to not be so serious.

Because as we let go,allow ourselves to be filled with joy, we glorify God. 
Someone once said to me that to be filled with joy, to take hold of it is the bravest thing we can do.
You are allowed to be happy. In fact, we are called to be full of joy.

This world needs joy. And I know the man who gives it. Jesus. The joy that doesn't leave you empty, the joy that fills rather than takes, the joy that will still be there in the morning, the joy that cuts through despair. The joy that fills with hope, that doesn't disappoint. 

Please don't hear me say that you can't be hurting, broken and lost. I am not saying that at all. In fact, God draws so close to us in those moments and he heals and restores us. But His promise is this:

'He will provide for all those who grieve..
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, 
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a Spirit of despair.'
Isaiah 61:3

He has put a seed of joy in me, and as I do things that I love, that feed my soul, those frivolous and seemingly unproductive things of life; talking to strangers, writing, taking endless photos, picking flowers, listening to a song, baking, drinking copious amounts of tea, dancing, The seed of joy grows and grows. And as I do these things I can feel His delight as he sees me doing what I love.

Don't see it as something else on your list that you can tick off, or that you are seemingly failing at. He gives it to us as we step out and enjoy ourselves. As we find what we love to do, what feeds our soul and stirs us to do more. As we DWELL in the one that brings us joy, we will find eternal pleasure.
'You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy, at Your right hand there are pleasures forevermore'
Psalm 16:11 

Be brave and take hold of joy.
As the rain poured down and I danced and I danced, He whispered to me 'Just let go.'