As the rain poured down and I danced and I danced, He whispered to me 'Just let go.'
I knelt in my back garden, wet through, yet so very alive.

Subconciously over the year, I had led myself to believe that following Jesus was all about persecution, flogging, people hating, being misunderstood, and giving God the things that you really love in order for him to notice you and see you as worthy. So as I gave my clothes to charity shops, gave people far more time than I had, got up tired again and again to go and run myself ragged doing something for Jesus, I felt like I was achieving gold, that this was what Jesus wanted for me, that he desired works and sacrifice. As joy slipped away I began to feel that maybe all God wanted was workers, rather than friends.

And in the moments that I began to feel joy creeping in, I would shut it down. Being happy and enjoying life was for those who had time. I didn't.

In all honesty, I think that too often I had been giving God things, as if punishing myself, as if trying to be made worthy of his love, trying to earn this great privilege it was to follow Him. Here I was trying to push these things at Him saying 'please take them' and He had been there with his hands up in the air trying to show me that He wanted me to enjoy what He had given me. That He delights in me, as I delight in the things of this world that make me happy, that feed my heart. I had been giving out of a place of my own low self worth. I had been trying to earn a place in the kingdom, trying to push the things that I enjoyed onto Jesus.

Because He couldn't possibly want me to enjoy myself right?

Because the more terrible I felt, the less I had, the more holes I had in my clothes and downtrodden I was, the closer I was to Jesus, right?

Isn't this exactly what Jesus said we shouldn't do when speaking to the Pharisees?

'I desire mercy not sacrifice'
those words that hit the heart. 
MERCY, not sacrifice. 

He cares far more about our hearts, about us, about how we treat people, than what we can give him. The striving, the giving, the self denial means nothing. If I lived my life on earth, delighting in him, traveling and being engulfed in His beauty, I would still get to heaven and he would say 'good job' give me a fist pump and discuss with me the things that I loved about him and He loved about me.

Too many Christians are so sad. So devoid of joy. I speak to people and there is no life in their eyes, there is no joy in their hearts. If we are following this incredible man called Jesus, if we know Him, know His heart,then surely we would know that he is calling us to a life of indescribable joy - of delighting in the small things. He delights in us, whilst we delight in the desires of our heart. 

My Jesus threw parties. He hung out with tax collectors and prostitutes who wouldn't have been the dullest of bunch. He turned water into wine, he made humans -a colourful bunch. He designed us to love things, he designed our hearts to get joy from the small and simple. He loves it when we laugh, he loves it when we hangout with friends that 'get us' and he loves it when we are happy. He was a man that was excitable, playful, mischevious and full of joy. He is so far from dull.

Those things that make your heart skip, those things that fill your soul with indescribable bubbling over joy, those things that make you stop and wonder, those seemingly unproductive, frivolous activities that others see as silly. That is the place where God sows his seed of joy and as we do things that we love, as we enjoy ourselves, it is watered and grows.

He has been teaching me joy. Quiet joy. Bubbling over joy that makes me throw my head back and laugh heartily. The joy that makes me go out and dance in the rain. The joy that makes me dance in the kitchen.

Drink deep of His joy and let all else flow from that.

There is something in me that thinks we just all need to not be so serious.

Because as we let go,allow ourselves to be filled with joy, we glorify God. 
Someone once said to me that to be filled with joy, to take hold of it is the bravest thing we can do.
You are allowed to be happy. In fact, we are called to be full of joy.

This world needs joy. And I know the man who gives it. Jesus. The joy that doesn't leave you empty, the joy that fills rather than takes, the joy that will still be there in the morning, the joy that cuts through despair. The joy that fills with hope, that doesn't disappoint. 

Please don't hear me say that you can't be hurting, broken and lost. I am not saying that at all. In fact, God draws so close to us in those moments and he heals and restores us. But His promise is this:

'He will provide for all those who grieve..
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, 
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a Spirit of despair.'
Isaiah 61:3

He has put a seed of joy in me, and as I do things that I love, that feed my soul, those frivolous and seemingly unproductive things of life; talking to strangers, writing, taking endless photos, picking flowers, listening to a song, baking, drinking copious amounts of tea, dancing, The seed of joy grows and grows. And as I do these things I can feel His delight as he sees me doing what I love.

Don't see it as something else on your list that you can tick off, or that you are seemingly failing at. He gives it to us as we step out and enjoy ourselves. As we find what we love to do, what feeds our soul and stirs us to do more. As we DWELL in the one that brings us joy, we will find eternal pleasure.
'You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy, at Your right hand there are pleasures forevermore'
Psalm 16:11 

Be brave and take hold of joy.
As the rain poured down and I danced and I danced, He whispered to me 'Just let go.'

Home.

So I've been thinking. Jesus is often so misunderstood. I think He must look at us sometimes and beg us to truly know him, to spend time with him and ask him what he thinks. Now I'm not saying I am an expert. No way. But I do know Him. And He knows me. And he has been real faithful to reveal a few things to me about who he is. I am always so blown away. SO much grace.

The Jesus I know is a man who had a rugged bunch of followers. The broken, the sick, the prostitutes, the doubters, the addicts, the ones cast out by society, the adulterers, the depressives, those with mess.
These were the ones that truly recognised who he was. These were the ones he made time for, the ones he saw worthy of being with. These were the ones that KNEW that in his presence they could be free, they could be healed. They were the ones who knew they needed his grace, his healing touch, who knew he was the only one that truly saw their hearts, saw their worth, saw past their pasts, their broken lives and saw the gems that were inside them. These were the ones crazy enough to take him at his word.

I love this quote by Charles Spurgeon
'But yonder are the men we seek for. Forlorn, and lost, full of evil, and self-condemned, you are the characters we seek. You that feel as if you were possessed with evil spirits, and you that are leprous with sin, you are the persons in whom Jesus will find ample room and verge enough for the display of his holy skill. Of you I might say, as he once said of the man born blind: you are here that the works of God may be manifest in you. You, with your guilt and your depravity, you furnish the empty vessels into which his grace may be poured, the sick souls upon whom he may display his matchless power to bless and save.'

A few months ago, I was facing some pretty broken pieces inside of myself. I was stuck in the mud, in a whole heap of stuff that made me feel so unworthy and broken. Pieces that made me think that Jesus would never have me, would never give me the time of day, pieces that I wanted to hide from him in shame and guilt. But in that time, with tear stained face, he came in his cleanliness and began to dig me out of the mud. With love in his eyes, and his robe getting messier and messier, he continued begging and pleading with me to know how much He wanted me, in my broken and dirty state. His grace is enough.

Jesus touched the leper, he knelt down beside the adulterer, he spoke to the Prostitute, he ate with the tax collectors. He is the one who tells the story of the son who left home, having stolen his Fathers money and off to a place where he frittered it all away on sex, drugs and alcohol. When the money was gone he began to remember all the love and acceptance he had at home, but he felt far too unworthy to return. He slowly began to walk home, hoping his Father would take him back. His sandals worn through, his clothes dirty and smelly and no money. As soon as the Father saw his son coming from afar he ran to meet him, clasped him close to his chest and announced to the town his Son had come home. The party was on. In the Sons broken-ness and mess, the Father took him back with great love.  Jesus is the Father who saw the broken, sees our hearts and calls us worthy.

I know a Jesus who is calling His prodigal sons to return. The ones who have been hurt, turned away by people, used and abused, messed up, the suicidal, the prostitutes, the addicts. We are the leper, the prostitute, the young mum, the depressive, the desperate, the broken. WE are those. We are all messy. When my brokenness becomes too much for me, HE is the one who encourages, heals and restores. He brings freedom to the bound up.

He looks past that, into our hearts and sees the real worth. With love in his eyes he touches us right where the pain is too much, where we feel our dirtiest or our most desperate and says 'It's enough! Youve dealt with this for too long. I am all you need.'
He is the Jesus that sees us tearstained and calls us to Him. He begs us to come home, to see what he has to offer - wholeness and fullness - to let Him show us our true worth, to see ourselves as he sees us.

'YOU whom the church has rejected, you whom have been spat out by religion, you whom have voices in your head and hardness or heart. You who are condemned and live life in the dark; YOU are whom God will use.You are whom God will pour himself out on to be used for his glory.You will be full, you will again be joyful, you whom society has given up on..You are whom God will use. You who have had the life sucked out of you and that feel as if you are on the bottom of the heap. YOU are who Chist spends his time with. You are who He is calling to be part of a church that is unlike any other.'

I truly believe that God is calling people to him that would never have believed that he had time for them, he is calling people that have been disillusioned by church, who have been hurt by people, who are the ones who make people feel uncomfortable with their questioning, the broken, the ones society has given up on to come to know Him. The real Him. The Jesus who heals and restores. The Jesus who gives LIFE to those who feel like death. The ones that would never have given 'religion' a chance, but when faced with the reality of Jesus, will rise up and begin to do church like no other. Broken, messy church.
Church where the music is loud and raucous, with tear stained faces people meet with Jesus. The addict and the prostitute stand in the presence of God, knowing that they are clean in his eyes, that they are of the same worth of those around. Where the air smells of alcohol, where the carpet is messy and the broken are made to feel at home. Where the Prodigal Sons are welcomed into the arms of Jesus - tear stained, messy, broke and so unworthy. Where people are free to be them in the knowledge and grace that Jesus sees them and welcomes them home.

His grace is enough. The ordinary everyday Jesus.
Looks into OUR hearts and when all we see is darkness HE sees real worth.
He is calling us home to Him.